Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Momma Drama - Why It Didn't Need To Go That Far

I often feel like I cannot be a proper woman.  Now, before anyone gets all concerned that I am considering a sex change or something equally as drastic, let me explain.  I am the member of several mom's groups on Facebook, and they have been serving very little purpose except to show me exactly how much I am out of place among these particular people who are supposedly the closest to me in experience and situation.
The example of this that prompted this blog post went as follows:
A young white mother asked the group where she would go to get her hair put into dreads, and how she would go about taking care of her hair afterwards.
Now, I personally dislike dreads.  I feel that they make the wearer look dirty and unkempt.  However, that is MY OPINION, and it is based off of MY EXPERIENCES.  Not everyone has the same experiences or opinion, so therefore, this woman is free to do as she likes based on HER OPINION and EXPERIENCE.  The situation is not sinful, having dreads in and of themselves are not causing this woman to sin, therefor she is free to have dreads.

Problem solved, end of discussion, she gets the information she asked for, and we all get to go on our merry little way, yes?  WRONG.

 One mother decided to post an article and a very long comment on cultural appropriation.  Which then prompted another mother to make a call of racism.  Which then dissolved the entire post into one big huge bitch fight, ending in an administrator of the group kicking a mother out of the group and another post reminding these moms to be kind, understanding, and charitable in their comments.  But did it end there?  NOPE.  Now the administrator is having to defend her decision to remove the one mother from the group, and the comments on her post have gotten completely out of control.

Now, was the first mother to comment wrong to post about cultural appropriation?  Yes, and here is where my point begins.

Now, the fact that she commented in and of itself is not what she did wrong.  The fact that she somehow felt compelled to give the mother asking the question these articles and information is also not what she did wrong.  However, the fact that she did not privately message this mother and begin the conversation in a private environment, where her perceived tone and meaning could be interpreted only by the single person receiving the articles and note, THAT is what she did wrong.

Let me explain why this particular decision is where the whole mess began.  While I am sure that she felt very strongly about this issue, she should have realized that first, this mother did NOT ask about how she felt about white people having dreads, and second, this is a very sensitive subject in this day and age, and there had to be someone out there who would take her strong opinion and blow it out of proportion.  The wiser and less confrontational choice would have been to have a private conversation, or, even a completely separate post asking for other opinions and debating the issue.  But it seems that all these mothers who contributed to the mess that was that Facebook post forgot one simple thing: We do not all hold the same opinions, and that is 100% OK.

Now this is where I go back and explain how situations like this make me feel like I am somehow less of a woman.  The above is only one example of how a huge catfight came out of a simple and innocent question, all because a few people had differing opinions and could not accept that we each have differences as fact.  It has happened more and more as I join these mom groups and are around these women.  There very often, although not always, seems to be the misguided notion that we all must agree with one thing, even if we give lip service to the alternate idea that we are free to have our own opinions.  Either that, or these woman have no concept on how to calmly and respectfully debate, giving information in a gentle manner and looking to learn and teach, all without giving or taking offense.  I have very strong opinions, and I have no issue defending my opinions.  If someone comes, calmly and gently, with an opposing opinion, I am willing to give information supporting my ideas, as well as listen to their respective ideas and information supporting them.  The end result is hopefully that we both have new information, and we get to make our own decisions based on this information.  The end result does not have to be that one person has miraculously changed their views based on your argument.  That comes from patience and charity, not one long winded and somewhat hostile Facebook comment with an aggressively titled article attached.  Why is this so hard to understand?  I think I am equally as irrational as the next overtired, hormonally imbalanced mother in these groups, but I consistently see situations or fights break out that are so easily avoided it is disturbing.

I am not saying that all these mothers are argumentative bitches, and I am not saying that this is the only situation that makes me feel so disconnected from those who should be my closest friends, but unfortunately, it seems that this is a hugely prevalent issue in the several moms groups I joined.  We are suppose to be teaching our children how to live peacefully and well together, but if we are leading by example, if we really look inside ourselves, I feel that each and every one of us, (including myself) have some things we need to rethink, because we are failing, and I for one, would be ashamed to have my daughter read some of the things these women say on the internet.  The internet is forever, and one day our children will have access to the petty and ridiculous arguments and childish behavior we are setting forth today.  We all need to seriously think about how important these debates may be before we speak.  

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Making My Life Easier, One Day At A Time

Most of you who know me know that I was a full time nanny before I became a stay at home mom.  I worked as a nanny on and off for about 7 years, and I had a variety of experiences during my career as a professional nanny.  Once I became pregnant, I continued to work until a month before my due date.  One of the phrases I heard the most at that time, and throughout most of my nannying career, was "Having your own child will be completely different."

It has definitely been different, mostly in the fact that I can't give the child back in the evening and go home to a full nights rest, or the fact that I have these huge post pregnancy hormones to deal with; but for the most part, it has been a fairly simple transition.  Now, I will admit that there have been rough days, but I have been blessed with an easy tempered baby and alot of experience with early childhood discipline.  But therein lies my problem.  I have found, through conversation, that when people say, "having your own kid will be completely different," they usually mean that for whatever reason, it will be harder to stick with my word or effectively discipline my own child over the children I nannyed.  I always tried to take people's advice on these points, and take into consideration different children's temperaments.

Perhaps I am more cold natured than I thought, but I have never had any issues with sticking with my word and following through on discipline.  Even with crying, tantrums, and general pitifulness, I tend not to feel that urge to let her do exactly what I just told her not to do.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I have experienced those unpleasant situations that a lack of follow through and basic discipline when they are young will create as they get older.  I have had to deal with enough disrespectful and spoiled children who are in desperate need of solid follow through in discipline, but are often left alone to do as they will because it is so much harder to deal with a 9 year old who is having a tantrum than it is to deal with an eight month old who is just starting to push their boundaries.

Now, let me say that I completely understand that once I have more than one child, this follow through concept is going to get alot more difficult.  I understand that I may need to make an extra effort to make sure that I consistently follow through when I say "no", or "if you drop it again, you lose it."  Hopefully I can keep in mind the fact that this follow through will make my life easier in the long run, since my child will understand that when I say something, I mean it, and consequences are a real and usually immediate thing.  I hope that it will make my life and my relationship with my kids better and easier in the long run.  Perhaps that is wishful thinking.  Or perhaps, I am thinking just enough.

Monday, July 31, 2017

I'm Back!

Hello people.  Wow, it has been over a year since I last posted on here.  It is amazing what can happen in a year.  There is now a little baby girl crawling around causing havoc, and we have moved to a new city and state.  Between the pregnancy, birth, move, and postpartum life, I have barely had time to breathe, much less update this blog.  But I recently realized that writing is very relaxing and therapeutic for me, so I thought that I should resurrect this blog.  Be prepared for random rants and day to day factoids about the life, thoughts, aggravations, and challenges of a stay at home mom.  I cannot promise that I will write on a regular basis, but I will try to write often.  Thank you to those of you who stuck with me for this long, and hopefully I can get a few new people to start following as well.  I would write a longer post, but I have to go keep the baby from destroying the apartment.  

Thanks for reading, talk to you soon!!

Sunday, April 17, 2016

So, I am pregnant.

I hope that most of you who read this blog, (if anyone still bothers) will know by now that I was married last September.  I am currently about 17 weeks pregnant, and it has been an adventure, as anyone who has experienced the miracle of life growing inside you will understand.

For those of you who have not experienced this (or never will, *coughgentlemencough*)  be prepared for a little oversharing.  You can stop reading now, or you can keep reading and become enlightened.

One of the first things that goes during pregnancy is your filter.  For those of you who are currently laughing and thinking that I never had a filter to begin with, well, now just imagine me without what little filter I had in place.  Scary, right?  Oh honey, that is only the beginning.

For the most part, people tend to talk about how beautiful pregnancy is, and what a wonderful time it is for a family and a couple.  I agree with this 100%.  It is a beautiful and wonderful time, but in an effort not to scare off those young people who want to have babies, they tend to cover up the more. . . less inviting. . . parts of pregnancy.

Don't worry, I am not by any means going to gross you out.  If you really feel like you HAVE to know the less talked about aspects of pregnancy, you can talk to me privately.  Right now, I would like to discuss something that will rule your life for the next year or so - hormones.  Now, some of you women might be laughing at me, especially if you are one of those who has a "monthly time" like I do.  You might be thinking that hormones are those things that you have learned to live with, and it isn't too much of a bother to put up with them at any time of the month.

Now I will take a brief moment to laugh at those of you who are thinking in that manner.  I am allowed, because yes, I used to be one of you.

I have been told, "Your hormones will go wild when you are pregnant."  I would now like to correct that terminology.  It is more along the lines of, "Your hormones will be so incredibly and uncontrollably insane, that you will literally have blackout moments when you wake up and have your husband and any pets hiding in the corner with terror in their eyes."  This is not something you can control.  I don't care how "in control" or how "strong" you may feel like you may when it comes to your hormones.  When they say that they want to eat an entire case of cookies, you will eat an entire friggin' case of cookies.  If they say that you are angry at so and so, even if there is absolutely no reason to be angry, you will be "punch a hole in the wall" furious.  I used to laugh at the idea that men should be terrified of pregnant women.  Now, I am slightly terrified of myself, so I say yes to those wise men.  Run and hide.  I sometimes wish I could.

I once had a male friend who didn't understand the danger that making me angry would present to his immediate health.  My explanation was as follows:

"Well, let's just establish the fact that whatever explanation I give you, you will still find some unreasonable aspect.  We know it, and you should know it, just don't mention it or point it out, because the following will happen.  First, I will not be happy with you, which, because of hormones, will make me want to hit you.   Second, if I hit you then I will more than likely hurt myself.  Next, if I hurt myself, it is very likely that I will hurt my baby.  Now you just get to add irrational on top of protective momma rage.  If I hurt my baby because I was hitting you, then I am even more pissed, because you are the reason I was angry in the first place.  Then you get to deal with that.  So let's just agree to not piss momma off, OK?"

Does it make sense?  Absolutely not, except to any woman who has already been pregnant.  Will it ever make sense?  Not unless you are a woman and you eventually become pregnant.

So, to conclude, yes, while we are pregnant, we are more than likely going to be incredibly irrational at times.  Please be patient.  Yes, your hormones will be so incredibly out of control, you will not be able to imagine it until you actually experience it.  Again, just be patient.  Hopefully you will have a husband who loves and understands you enough that he will be quietly supportive when you need it, and quietly absent when you don't need him.  Finally, good luck!  It will always be worth it, even when you are only halfway through!

Monday, August 18, 2014

You know, the pain of fear something very few people understand.

No, I am not saying that to be all philosophical and mysterious, I mean exactly that.

As most people soon learn when they meet me, I prefer to say things as they are, and for the most part, people tend to overthink what I try to say plainly.

Anyway, back to the whole fear/pain idea.

It hurts while it is immediately present, but you have to know that it is going to make you stronger in the long run.

Now, there is a danger to becoming stronger.  You run the risk of becoming insensitive, blocking out the warning signs that bring the pain, like anger, annoyance, and  sorrow.

Doesn't make any sense?  Well, let me explain.

Lets say that when you were very young, a man you cared about very deeply hurt you in an indescribable manner.

Then for the rest of your life, men you trusted, one after another, continued to betray your trust and hurt you in both big and small ways.

Suddenly you are a young woman who is hard, angry, and hurt.  Your relationships, whether they are with men or women, are rocky and rarely last very long, because you cannot trust anyone.  You have been hurt too many times to start trusting people.

People never understand that beneath your hard, tough exterior, you are screaming for help.  They call you cynical, a bitch, and various other descriptive and completely un-imaginative names.

Men try to break through your walls with force, some try to break through with guile, some show a brief interest, but give up when you rebut them once, and some try to break through with gentleness, but give up because it becomes too hard.

Finally, there is one who stays.  This one is different.  He listens, he hears the screaming little girl caught in the prison that is her own hurt and anger.  He calls to that little girl, and she rejects him, because he can only be like all men, and men are cruel, manipulative beings who can never stop and take the time to care.

But he wasn't.

He stayed.

She rejected him so many times, and he stayed.  He called to the little girl, and she began to hear him.

She began to want to let him break through her walls, but was so afraid to let him.  So she created a small fortress inside her walls, and she let him in the first blockade.

She grew to love him, and he remained gentle, caring, and understanding.  He stayed and weathered the storms she created from her fear, and he chipped away at her small fortress.

She watched him in awe, and she learned that he was not willing to give up.  He often become discouraged, but he would rally and continue chipping at the wall, finding many a precious stone as he began to bring the wall down.

But now, she came upon a new difficulty.  She had hid for so long she didn't know she was afraid to be left defenseless.  Her fear had been ingrained for so long, she couldn't let it go, even after the years he had been breaking through her many barriers.

For him, this was the hardest battle of all.  She often didn't tell him her fears, because then she knew her wall would begin to crumble if she did.

But soon she began to let him see her fears, she began to trust, and he managed to break through the wall of her fortress.

Once again, there was a new difficulty.

She did not know how to tell him her fears.  She did not know how to tell him about the pain she went through on a daily basis, and she let it all build up.  Then when she figured out how to tell it, it had become such a large amount of fears, that he was often and quickly overwhelmed and hurt with the sheer volume.

This is something new she had to deal with, and when he would push away from his own hurt and fear, he pushed it all back on her, and she shrank away, afraid of what she knew had always happened whenever she had tried to open up to someone.

Fear is pain.  It is the greatest and worst pain.

Fear that you will hurt someone you love.  Fear that the person you love will leave because they cannot handle the burden of your fears.  Fear that you will be hurt, again.

Many people don't understand the power of fear.

Most people don't understand the pain of fear.

They will tell you they understand, they have been there.  They will act as if they know exactly what you are going through.

The ones who talk very little about it, but are willing to share their stories for your knowledge and understanding, those are the ones who understand.

They understand the power of fear, the pain fear can bring.

You can take whatever you want from this post.  You can learn from it, and see the underlying message, or you can call me an attention seeking, dramatic female.

But before you begin to make your judgments, hear this.

I don't care what you think about me.  Contrary to some opinions, I am not saying this for attention or sympathy.  I don't want sympathy, so please don't give it.  I am done with the drama.  Please just take this at face value, and see if you can take anything from it.  If you can't, that is fine, but don't try to barge any farther into my business than I care to let you.

Your choice.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been on here.  I even had to read back over my own introduction to remember why I created the blog in the first place.  (Not really true).

Well, my life has been full lately.  I know there are several people out there (if any of you have stuck with me this long.  If you have, I applaud you) who have been asking me how I have been and how my life is going.

My life has been very full, and very busy.  I could wax eloquent on both of those factors, but you would stop reading almost instantly.  I probably wouldn't blame you if you did.

So, now that I have given a long and rambling introduction with no hint of what I actually planned on writing about in this blog, I thought I would talk about something completely random.

I am now the proud owner of a beautiful, sweet, gentle, and loving dog.  Her name is Ziva, and she is a Pitbull.

Many people might have a certain amount of hesitation now that they know she is a Pitbull, but let me ask you this; were you prepared to ooh and aah over my cute, adorable dog before you knew her breed?

If you answered honestly, then you probably would have to admit that you were perfectly fine with my pup before you heard her breed.  Maybe you still are, and if this is the case, then kudos to you!!

Now let me tell you more about her.

I adopted my pup from the Police Animal Shelter nearbye, and they told me that they had found her wandering the streets.  Apparently the SPCA will occasionally come and take animals that they feel they can adopt out, but left her there.

She had been at the shelter for a month or so, and she was due to be put down in a few weeks, because they simply could not keep her there longer.  All of the staff members said she was a sweet little thing, and they wished she could get adopted.

The minute I saw her she pulled on my heartstrings.  She sat there in her cage and wagged her entire body when I came up to the door.  I asked to see her, and they brought her to me in the visiting room.

I had asked my friend (who will go by the name MockingByrd in this blog) to bring the two children she nannies (who will go by the names Ben and Rose).

I wanted to test any dog I considered adopting with children, as I planned to have the dog with me everywhere I go, and I am sure that would include children at some point.

Once I had been in the visiting room with her for a while, and had tried to get a reaction out of this dog in every way possible (which included pulling her ears, picking up her feet, rubbing the top of her nose, checking her teeth, pulling her tail, pinching her skin, and generally doing everything I can to get a rise out of the dog) I asked MockingByrd to bring the kids in.

Ziva immediately went to them and tried to lick all over their faces.  She didn't jump on them, and when they gave her treats, she took them as gently as possible from their hands.

I was incredibly pleased and excited, and told the staff that I wanted to sign the papers immediately.  They were incredibly pleased, and they got the paperwork finished right then and there.

I picked my pup up a week later from the vet, after she had a few shots and had been fixed.  She kept her head in my hand the entire drive home, and it seemed like she knew she was going to be my spoiled baby.

Since then, Ziva has become a joy to be around.  I have trained her with the help of MockingByrd, and she is obedient (with a stubborn streak ;) ) and loves to be around people and children.  She also loves to ride in the car, and will get all worried when I prepare to leave somewhere, and it looks like I might not be taking her.

Her next favorite thing to do is to go to the dog park and play with her many friends.  Her signature play move is to jump straight up in the air and try to clear the dog she is playing with, regardless of their size.  Sometimes this action will end up with her spread across the other dog's back, struggling to get all the way over.

She is truly the nanny dog at the park.  If another dog is bullying or picking on a smaller or more timid dog in the park, Ziva will get in between them and distract the bully, pushing or chasing him away from the timid dog.

She has several quirks, the funniest being that she gets the hiccups on a regular basis.  It is hilarious to watch her when this happens, as the cutest tiny hiccup sounds come from her.  Another thing she absolutely loves to do is jump the fence and go visit the kids and dogs around the neighborhood.  This is why she tends to stay on a long leash when outside, unless I am out there with her.

So she is not a perfect dog, but she is gentle and very willing to please.  She loves all people, and she loves to play with any dog that comes her way.

She has wormed her way into the hearts of everyone he meets, even those who say they were terrified of Pitbulls before they met her.  She has become the mascot of the gun store I frequent, and the staff and customers look forward to when I bring her in.

I have tested and pushed her in every way, and my pup has only excelled and surprised me with each new obstacle she overcomes.

In conclusion, while I am in no way saying that the entire breed is a perfect one, and that there are not some aggressive Pitbulls out there, I am asking that you don't bulk the entire breed together, and give each individual dog a chance.  They may surprise you.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Where to begin? Well, at the beginning, of course!

I suppose I should explain why my blog is titled, Pisstified. 

Most of you are probably wondering, "Is that even a word?"  Well, my good people, it is, in fact, a word.

A friend found this picture on Facebook, and the idea of a blog came to life:

Tada!!!  Hence the name of this blog.  Most of what we will be talking about here is how "interesting" my life can sometimes be.  When I say interesting, I mean pisstifying (ok, now that might actually not be a real word, but work with me here).

I have had so many people tell me, especially lately, that I have an incredibly interesting life.  Whether those are just the polite noises they are making because they are tired of hearing me talk, or whether they are genuine, I really can't say.  Normally I would hesitate to agree, but judging on how much has been going on in my life in the past year, I might have to agree. . . but now, we will leave this post on that very unfair note of suspense, and wait till I feel like posting again.   Don't worry, that might be in two minutes. . . then again, it might be in two weeks. . . we will see how this plays out.  :)