Monday, August 18, 2014

You know, the pain of fear something very few people understand.

No, I am not saying that to be all philosophical and mysterious, I mean exactly that.

As most people soon learn when they meet me, I prefer to say things as they are, and for the most part, people tend to overthink what I try to say plainly.

Anyway, back to the whole fear/pain idea.

It hurts while it is immediately present, but you have to know that it is going to make you stronger in the long run.

Now, there is a danger to becoming stronger.  You run the risk of becoming insensitive, blocking out the warning signs that bring the pain, like anger, annoyance, and  sorrow.

Doesn't make any sense?  Well, let me explain.

Lets say that when you were very young, a man you cared about very deeply hurt you in an indescribable manner.

Then for the rest of your life, men you trusted, one after another, continued to betray your trust and hurt you in both big and small ways.

Suddenly you are a young woman who is hard, angry, and hurt.  Your relationships, whether they are with men or women, are rocky and rarely last very long, because you cannot trust anyone.  You have been hurt too many times to start trusting people.

People never understand that beneath your hard, tough exterior, you are screaming for help.  They call you cynical, a bitch, and various other descriptive and completely un-imaginative names.

Men try to break through your walls with force, some try to break through with guile, some show a brief interest, but give up when you rebut them once, and some try to break through with gentleness, but give up because it becomes too hard.

Finally, there is one who stays.  This one is different.  He listens, he hears the screaming little girl caught in the prison that is her own hurt and anger.  He calls to that little girl, and she rejects him, because he can only be like all men, and men are cruel, manipulative beings who can never stop and take the time to care.

But he wasn't.

He stayed.

She rejected him so many times, and he stayed.  He called to the little girl, and she began to hear him.

She began to want to let him break through her walls, but was so afraid to let him.  So she created a small fortress inside her walls, and she let him in the first blockade.

She grew to love him, and he remained gentle, caring, and understanding.  He stayed and weathered the storms she created from her fear, and he chipped away at her small fortress.

She watched him in awe, and she learned that he was not willing to give up.  He often become discouraged, but he would rally and continue chipping at the wall, finding many a precious stone as he began to bring the wall down.

But now, she came upon a new difficulty.  She had hid for so long she didn't know she was afraid to be left defenseless.  Her fear had been ingrained for so long, she couldn't let it go, even after the years he had been breaking through her many barriers.

For him, this was the hardest battle of all.  She often didn't tell him her fears, because then she knew her wall would begin to crumble if she did.

But soon she began to let him see her fears, she began to trust, and he managed to break through the wall of her fortress.

Once again, there was a new difficulty.

She did not know how to tell him her fears.  She did not know how to tell him about the pain she went through on a daily basis, and she let it all build up.  Then when she figured out how to tell it, it had become such a large amount of fears, that he was often and quickly overwhelmed and hurt with the sheer volume.

This is something new she had to deal with, and when he would push away from his own hurt and fear, he pushed it all back on her, and she shrank away, afraid of what she knew had always happened whenever she had tried to open up to someone.

Fear is pain.  It is the greatest and worst pain.

Fear that you will hurt someone you love.  Fear that the person you love will leave because they cannot handle the burden of your fears.  Fear that you will be hurt, again.

Many people don't understand the power of fear.

Most people don't understand the pain of fear.

They will tell you they understand, they have been there.  They will act as if they know exactly what you are going through.

The ones who talk very little about it, but are willing to share their stories for your knowledge and understanding, those are the ones who understand.

They understand the power of fear, the pain fear can bring.

You can take whatever you want from this post.  You can learn from it, and see the underlying message, or you can call me an attention seeking, dramatic female.

But before you begin to make your judgments, hear this.

I don't care what you think about me.  Contrary to some opinions, I am not saying this for attention or sympathy.  I don't want sympathy, so please don't give it.  I am done with the drama.  Please just take this at face value, and see if you can take anything from it.  If you can't, that is fine, but don't try to barge any farther into my business than I care to let you.

Your choice.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been on here.  I even had to read back over my own introduction to remember why I created the blog in the first place.  (Not really true).

Well, my life has been full lately.  I know there are several people out there (if any of you have stuck with me this long.  If you have, I applaud you) who have been asking me how I have been and how my life is going.

My life has been very full, and very busy.  I could wax eloquent on both of those factors, but you would stop reading almost instantly.  I probably wouldn't blame you if you did.

So, now that I have given a long and rambling introduction with no hint of what I actually planned on writing about in this blog, I thought I would talk about something completely random.

I am now the proud owner of a beautiful, sweet, gentle, and loving dog.  Her name is Ziva, and she is a Pitbull.

Many people might have a certain amount of hesitation now that they know she is a Pitbull, but let me ask you this; were you prepared to ooh and aah over my cute, adorable dog before you knew her breed?

If you answered honestly, then you probably would have to admit that you were perfectly fine with my pup before you heard her breed.  Maybe you still are, and if this is the case, then kudos to you!!

Now let me tell you more about her.

I adopted my pup from the Police Animal Shelter nearbye, and they told me that they had found her wandering the streets.  Apparently the SPCA will occasionally come and take animals that they feel they can adopt out, but left her there.

She had been at the shelter for a month or so, and she was due to be put down in a few weeks, because they simply could not keep her there longer.  All of the staff members said she was a sweet little thing, and they wished she could get adopted.

The minute I saw her she pulled on my heartstrings.  She sat there in her cage and wagged her entire body when I came up to the door.  I asked to see her, and they brought her to me in the visiting room.

I had asked my friend (who will go by the name MockingByrd in this blog) to bring the two children she nannies (who will go by the names Ben and Rose).

I wanted to test any dog I considered adopting with children, as I planned to have the dog with me everywhere I go, and I am sure that would include children at some point.

Once I had been in the visiting room with her for a while, and had tried to get a reaction out of this dog in every way possible (which included pulling her ears, picking up her feet, rubbing the top of her nose, checking her teeth, pulling her tail, pinching her skin, and generally doing everything I can to get a rise out of the dog) I asked MockingByrd to bring the kids in.

Ziva immediately went to them and tried to lick all over their faces.  She didn't jump on them, and when they gave her treats, she took them as gently as possible from their hands.

I was incredibly pleased and excited, and told the staff that I wanted to sign the papers immediately.  They were incredibly pleased, and they got the paperwork finished right then and there.

I picked my pup up a week later from the vet, after she had a few shots and had been fixed.  She kept her head in my hand the entire drive home, and it seemed like she knew she was going to be my spoiled baby.

Since then, Ziva has become a joy to be around.  I have trained her with the help of MockingByrd, and she is obedient (with a stubborn streak ;) ) and loves to be around people and children.  She also loves to ride in the car, and will get all worried when I prepare to leave somewhere, and it looks like I might not be taking her.

Her next favorite thing to do is to go to the dog park and play with her many friends.  Her signature play move is to jump straight up in the air and try to clear the dog she is playing with, regardless of their size.  Sometimes this action will end up with her spread across the other dog's back, struggling to get all the way over.

She is truly the nanny dog at the park.  If another dog is bullying or picking on a smaller or more timid dog in the park, Ziva will get in between them and distract the bully, pushing or chasing him away from the timid dog.

She has several quirks, the funniest being that she gets the hiccups on a regular basis.  It is hilarious to watch her when this happens, as the cutest tiny hiccup sounds come from her.  Another thing she absolutely loves to do is jump the fence and go visit the kids and dogs around the neighborhood.  This is why she tends to stay on a long leash when outside, unless I am out there with her.

So she is not a perfect dog, but she is gentle and very willing to please.  She loves all people, and she loves to play with any dog that comes her way.

She has wormed her way into the hearts of everyone he meets, even those who say they were terrified of Pitbulls before they met her.  She has become the mascot of the gun store I frequent, and the staff and customers look forward to when I bring her in.

I have tested and pushed her in every way, and my pup has only excelled and surprised me with each new obstacle she overcomes.

In conclusion, while I am in no way saying that the entire breed is a perfect one, and that there are not some aggressive Pitbulls out there, I am asking that you don't bulk the entire breed together, and give each individual dog a chance.  They may surprise you.