Monday, August 18, 2014

You know, the pain of fear something very few people understand.

No, I am not saying that to be all philosophical and mysterious, I mean exactly that.

As most people soon learn when they meet me, I prefer to say things as they are, and for the most part, people tend to overthink what I try to say plainly.

Anyway, back to the whole fear/pain idea.

It hurts while it is immediately present, but you have to know that it is going to make you stronger in the long run.

Now, there is a danger to becoming stronger.  You run the risk of becoming insensitive, blocking out the warning signs that bring the pain, like anger, annoyance, and  sorrow.

Doesn't make any sense?  Well, let me explain.

Lets say that when you were very young, a man you cared about very deeply hurt you in an indescribable manner.

Then for the rest of your life, men you trusted, one after another, continued to betray your trust and hurt you in both big and small ways.

Suddenly you are a young woman who is hard, angry, and hurt.  Your relationships, whether they are with men or women, are rocky and rarely last very long, because you cannot trust anyone.  You have been hurt too many times to start trusting people.

People never understand that beneath your hard, tough exterior, you are screaming for help.  They call you cynical, a bitch, and various other descriptive and completely un-imaginative names.

Men try to break through your walls with force, some try to break through with guile, some show a brief interest, but give up when you rebut them once, and some try to break through with gentleness, but give up because it becomes too hard.

Finally, there is one who stays.  This one is different.  He listens, he hears the screaming little girl caught in the prison that is her own hurt and anger.  He calls to that little girl, and she rejects him, because he can only be like all men, and men are cruel, manipulative beings who can never stop and take the time to care.

But he wasn't.

He stayed.

She rejected him so many times, and he stayed.  He called to the little girl, and she began to hear him.

She began to want to let him break through her walls, but was so afraid to let him.  So she created a small fortress inside her walls, and she let him in the first blockade.

She grew to love him, and he remained gentle, caring, and understanding.  He stayed and weathered the storms she created from her fear, and he chipped away at her small fortress.

She watched him in awe, and she learned that he was not willing to give up.  He often become discouraged, but he would rally and continue chipping at the wall, finding many a precious stone as he began to bring the wall down.

But now, she came upon a new difficulty.  She had hid for so long she didn't know she was afraid to be left defenseless.  Her fear had been ingrained for so long, she couldn't let it go, even after the years he had been breaking through her many barriers.

For him, this was the hardest battle of all.  She often didn't tell him her fears, because then she knew her wall would begin to crumble if she did.

But soon she began to let him see her fears, she began to trust, and he managed to break through the wall of her fortress.

Once again, there was a new difficulty.

She did not know how to tell him her fears.  She did not know how to tell him about the pain she went through on a daily basis, and she let it all build up.  Then when she figured out how to tell it, it had become such a large amount of fears, that he was often and quickly overwhelmed and hurt with the sheer volume.

This is something new she had to deal with, and when he would push away from his own hurt and fear, he pushed it all back on her, and she shrank away, afraid of what she knew had always happened whenever she had tried to open up to someone.

Fear is pain.  It is the greatest and worst pain.

Fear that you will hurt someone you love.  Fear that the person you love will leave because they cannot handle the burden of your fears.  Fear that you will be hurt, again.

Many people don't understand the power of fear.

Most people don't understand the pain of fear.

They will tell you they understand, they have been there.  They will act as if they know exactly what you are going through.

The ones who talk very little about it, but are willing to share their stories for your knowledge and understanding, those are the ones who understand.

They understand the power of fear, the pain fear can bring.

You can take whatever you want from this post.  You can learn from it, and see the underlying message, or you can call me an attention seeking, dramatic female.

But before you begin to make your judgments, hear this.

I don't care what you think about me.  Contrary to some opinions, I am not saying this for attention or sympathy.  I don't want sympathy, so please don't give it.  I am done with the drama.  Please just take this at face value, and see if you can take anything from it.  If you can't, that is fine, but don't try to barge any farther into my business than I care to let you.

Your choice.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Kes. Being vulnerable is the scariest thing ever! And your observation about fear being pain is apt. You are in my prayers! Code Monkey and I are here if either of you need an ear.