Sunday, April 17, 2016

So, I am pregnant.

I hope that most of you who read this blog, (if anyone still bothers) will know by now that I was married last September.  I am currently about 17 weeks pregnant, and it has been an adventure, as anyone who has experienced the miracle of life growing inside you will understand.

For those of you who have not experienced this (or never will, *coughgentlemencough*)  be prepared for a little oversharing.  You can stop reading now, or you can keep reading and become enlightened.

One of the first things that goes during pregnancy is your filter.  For those of you who are currently laughing and thinking that I never had a filter to begin with, well, now just imagine me without what little filter I had in place.  Scary, right?  Oh honey, that is only the beginning.

For the most part, people tend to talk about how beautiful pregnancy is, and what a wonderful time it is for a family and a couple.  I agree with this 100%.  It is a beautiful and wonderful time, but in an effort not to scare off those young people who want to have babies, they tend to cover up the more. . . less inviting. . . parts of pregnancy.

Don't worry, I am not by any means going to gross you out.  If you really feel like you HAVE to know the less talked about aspects of pregnancy, you can talk to me privately.  Right now, I would like to discuss something that will rule your life for the next year or so - hormones.  Now, some of you women might be laughing at me, especially if you are one of those who has a "monthly time" like I do.  You might be thinking that hormones are those things that you have learned to live with, and it isn't too much of a bother to put up with them at any time of the month.

Now I will take a brief moment to laugh at those of you who are thinking in that manner.  I am allowed, because yes, I used to be one of you.

I have been told, "Your hormones will go wild when you are pregnant."  I would now like to correct that terminology.  It is more along the lines of, "Your hormones will be so incredibly and uncontrollably insane, that you will literally have blackout moments when you wake up and have your husband and any pets hiding in the corner with terror in their eyes."  This is not something you can control.  I don't care how "in control" or how "strong" you may feel like you may when it comes to your hormones.  When they say that they want to eat an entire case of cookies, you will eat an entire friggin' case of cookies.  If they say that you are angry at so and so, even if there is absolutely no reason to be angry, you will be "punch a hole in the wall" furious.  I used to laugh at the idea that men should be terrified of pregnant women.  Now, I am slightly terrified of myself, so I say yes to those wise men.  Run and hide.  I sometimes wish I could.

I once had a male friend who didn't understand the danger that making me angry would present to his immediate health.  My explanation was as follows:

"Well, let's just establish the fact that whatever explanation I give you, you will still find some unreasonable aspect.  We know it, and you should know it, just don't mention it or point it out, because the following will happen.  First, I will not be happy with you, which, because of hormones, will make me want to hit you.   Second, if I hit you then I will more than likely hurt myself.  Next, if I hurt myself, it is very likely that I will hurt my baby.  Now you just get to add irrational on top of protective momma rage.  If I hurt my baby because I was hitting you, then I am even more pissed, because you are the reason I was angry in the first place.  Then you get to deal with that.  So let's just agree to not piss momma off, OK?"

Does it make sense?  Absolutely not, except to any woman who has already been pregnant.  Will it ever make sense?  Not unless you are a woman and you eventually become pregnant.

So, to conclude, yes, while we are pregnant, we are more than likely going to be incredibly irrational at times.  Please be patient.  Yes, your hormones will be so incredibly out of control, you will not be able to imagine it until you actually experience it.  Again, just be patient.  Hopefully you will have a husband who loves and understands you enough that he will be quietly supportive when you need it, and quietly absent when you don't need him.  Finally, good luck!  It will always be worth it, even when you are only halfway through!